drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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