I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
