I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
