He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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