u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
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toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
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This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
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