I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
