What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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