When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
