if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
