new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
