remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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