I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
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He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
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The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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