Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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