Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Randomize