Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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