bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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