i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
