new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
