you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I want to be your penis for a week.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
