You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
