My underwear smells like fireworks.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
you will always have a special place in my vag
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
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