I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
