She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
