Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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