bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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