Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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