so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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