Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
