There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
