hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
