did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
