When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
