Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
