I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
