I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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