there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
