We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
you never un-have a 4some
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
