Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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