Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Randomize
