I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
