dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
