you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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