I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize