Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
