I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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