theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
