You don't have asthma, your pregnant
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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