Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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