the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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