Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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