peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
