i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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