I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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