I faked an abortion last night.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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