Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Operation Purity has been aborted
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize
