I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
