Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
The Olympian is in my bed
Randomize
