He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Randomize
