why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
