im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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