i permit you to call me
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
