What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
